Don't make out with my wife yet
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
