There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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