you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
