Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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