Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
