I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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