Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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