At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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