Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
