She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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