I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
420 ftw
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
