Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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