so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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