I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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