I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish you could order shots online.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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