I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
