When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
