My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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