I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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