I met the friendliest cop last night
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
