Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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