we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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