Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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