I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
did you just send me my own nude
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
