I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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