When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
