I wish I could punch you in the face.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
