i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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