Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
