3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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