You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
