Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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