While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
