tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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