Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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