You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
