that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
