Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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