would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
