I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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