If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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