mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
