Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
