i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
