Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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