I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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