get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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