My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
