I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
