I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
