My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
