You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
