I'm really into asian looking animals
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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