I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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